Good lord but New Years and its subsequent over-abundance of people prattling on about their New Years resolutions that they aren't going to keep past February drive me freaking batty. Perhaps it's just that time of year for me. I think it's because it's January and we haven't had any snow yet. That'll make any girl batty. Seriously.
My New Years resolutions? Absolutely none. Wouldn't be able to keep them even if I had them to be honest. Well, maybe one. Drink more bubbly. I think I can accomplish that one. Shouldn't but I think I could.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I am sorry for your loss
are the six most painful words i believe i have ever heard. so innocous on the surface. i mean your loss could the loss of your hometown football team, the 20 bucks you bet on something ridiculous, common everyday words that are like a knife to the heart when used in the original context. every utterance more painful than the first. salt in that open wound. a twisting of that knife already embedded in your heart.
so my brother was buried yesterday. still processing it. got riproaring drunk last night. me and my sister-in-law, the new widow. o hurting from the drinking and hurting from the finality of it. B and I in an amazingly well-coordinated move, managed to both get out the - not having teary goodbye cause it's not when i left - that would have been too much. i will see her again, it's not final but in some ways saying goodbye to her and the other troopers today had a finality to it. a very harsh and cold reality. i can't think about that yet.
getting out of there without either my parents or myself breaking was another amazing feat of denial and ability to in impose my own reality the situation. nope, i reject your reality and substitute my own. just another trip. nothing different about this trip. nope, not a damn thing.
all those images one sees in movies about police and funeral deaths? the pomp the circumstance everything, it's all true.
another thing i learned was that the friends of Karume needed to hear those simple phrases "i am sorry for you loss" or "my condolences on your loss" or what have you because the friends, especially as we get older, became a pseudo-family to him, they worked with him, vacationed with him, went to academy with him, served with him, knew him in ways the family couldn't and wouldn't ever. it was as much their loss as it was ours. the focus is on the family and his wife but his friends needed the support and the words of sympathy and condolence as much as we did. i found myself just reaching for them in the receiving line and holding them and letting them cry, it was all i could do. it was an interesting revelation for me to see that. to see how my brother had made such a strong impact on the lives of these people. heartbreaking to see and feel their grief. i learned about my a brother i didn't really know. i mean, i knew him as my older brother, we had a easy-going, non-serious relationship. never did talk about serious stuff. he never really wanted to and i never knew how with him but we had what we had and it was good. he knew i loved him and i knew he loved me in his own way which usually meant yanking my chain and teasing me. i was so gullible when it came to him. older brothers you know.
i still don't really believe it. kept waiting for him to sit up and say april fools at the viewing. it wasn't right. it wasn't him. this was all wrong. a horrible bad dream. i mean, i knew it was coming. i think i knew it beginning when it was diagnosed. mom said today she thinks he also knew from the beginning. knowing it and feeling it are very very different. i knew it was going to happen, i knew it was going to be hard, but the actuality of it all was something i couldn't have been prepared for. up to the moment we walked into the church, and i kept backing away.....if i don't go in it can't be true, just won't go in, nope, not going in, i'll wake up and it will be a bad dream, luckily my remaining brother was there to pull me together. i am not sure i am ever going to be able to fully express the surrealness of it all. the honor guard at the church. more than half the church completely filled by state troopers and various town police units, cadets from the police academy, standing outside the church in formation waiting for karume to appear. in 30 degree weather. standing at attention in the cold. waiting for him. this man, this "G" i didn't know. G-money, G-unit, Boomer. how they knew him, how i got to know him over the course of those few days. to watch the honor guard at the funeral home come down to pay their last respects was absolutely heartbreaking. these big strong strapping men, all squared away in their dress uniforms with tears streaming down their faces as they stood in formation and saluted him one last time.
he wasn't in that casket. not my brother. he wasn't there. he was sitting back and taking notes with that little half smile on his face. just filing the information to pull it back out on you later. that casket couldn't ever have contained my brother. too small.
they closed down the highway for the funeral procession. closed down the interstate. blocked intersections and at every intersection the police stood and saluted until the hearse went by.
you know i knew that there would be pomp and circumstance i just didn't expect to be so emotionally overwhelmed by it. that probably made me crack more than anything else. the presenting of the flag to the wife. she broke. she has been so strong over the course of all of this and that act, that finality, the reality. it was so hard to hear.
and my parents. oh my. mom rose to the occasion so brilliantly so strong, so positive and saying all the right things and reaching out to strangers to comfort them and be comforted. papa shrank even further away into himself. i worry about him. mom is a survivor. papa? perhaps when he's home and processing and among his own things it will be better.
still processing. it is still quite surreal. i don't feel he's gone. can't be. i can hear him.
so my brother was buried yesterday. still processing it. got riproaring drunk last night. me and my sister-in-law, the new widow. o hurting from the drinking and hurting from the finality of it. B and I in an amazingly well-coordinated move, managed to both get out the - not having teary goodbye cause it's not when i left - that would have been too much. i will see her again, it's not final but in some ways saying goodbye to her and the other troopers today had a finality to it. a very harsh and cold reality. i can't think about that yet.
getting out of there without either my parents or myself breaking was another amazing feat of denial and ability to in impose my own reality the situation. nope, i reject your reality and substitute my own. just another trip. nothing different about this trip. nope, not a damn thing.
all those images one sees in movies about police and funeral deaths? the pomp the circumstance everything, it's all true.
another thing i learned was that the friends of Karume needed to hear those simple phrases "i am sorry for you loss" or "my condolences on your loss" or what have you because the friends, especially as we get older, became a pseudo-family to him, they worked with him, vacationed with him, went to academy with him, served with him, knew him in ways the family couldn't and wouldn't ever. it was as much their loss as it was ours. the focus is on the family and his wife but his friends needed the support and the words of sympathy and condolence as much as we did. i found myself just reaching for them in the receiving line and holding them and letting them cry, it was all i could do. it was an interesting revelation for me to see that. to see how my brother had made such a strong impact on the lives of these people. heartbreaking to see and feel their grief. i learned about my a brother i didn't really know. i mean, i knew him as my older brother, we had a easy-going, non-serious relationship. never did talk about serious stuff. he never really wanted to and i never knew how with him but we had what we had and it was good. he knew i loved him and i knew he loved me in his own way which usually meant yanking my chain and teasing me. i was so gullible when it came to him. older brothers you know.
i still don't really believe it. kept waiting for him to sit up and say april fools at the viewing. it wasn't right. it wasn't him. this was all wrong. a horrible bad dream. i mean, i knew it was coming. i think i knew it beginning when it was diagnosed. mom said today she thinks he also knew from the beginning. knowing it and feeling it are very very different. i knew it was going to happen, i knew it was going to be hard, but the actuality of it all was something i couldn't have been prepared for. up to the moment we walked into the church, and i kept backing away.....if i don't go in it can't be true, just won't go in, nope, not going in, i'll wake up and it will be a bad dream, luckily my remaining brother was there to pull me together. i am not sure i am ever going to be able to fully express the surrealness of it all. the honor guard at the church. more than half the church completely filled by state troopers and various town police units, cadets from the police academy, standing outside the church in formation waiting for karume to appear. in 30 degree weather. standing at attention in the cold. waiting for him. this man, this "G" i didn't know. G-money, G-unit, Boomer. how they knew him, how i got to know him over the course of those few days. to watch the honor guard at the funeral home come down to pay their last respects was absolutely heartbreaking. these big strong strapping men, all squared away in their dress uniforms with tears streaming down their faces as they stood in formation and saluted him one last time.
he wasn't in that casket. not my brother. he wasn't there. he was sitting back and taking notes with that little half smile on his face. just filing the information to pull it back out on you later. that casket couldn't ever have contained my brother. too small.
they closed down the highway for the funeral procession. closed down the interstate. blocked intersections and at every intersection the police stood and saluted until the hearse went by.
you know i knew that there would be pomp and circumstance i just didn't expect to be so emotionally overwhelmed by it. that probably made me crack more than anything else. the presenting of the flag to the wife. she broke. she has been so strong over the course of all of this and that act, that finality, the reality. it was so hard to hear.
and my parents. oh my. mom rose to the occasion so brilliantly so strong, so positive and saying all the right things and reaching out to strangers to comfort them and be comforted. papa shrank even further away into himself. i worry about him. mom is a survivor. papa? perhaps when he's home and processing and among his own things it will be better.
still processing. it is still quite surreal. i don't feel he's gone. can't be. i can hear him.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Relief?
So my brother died this morning and i feel relief. relief it was finally over, relief it didn't happen last week when i was slammed at work giving training 4 out of 5 days, relieved that i no longer had to fear phone calls from my parents for what they might entail, relief that my parents no longer have to watch and wonder what more they could have done, relief that his wonderful wonderful wife Beth can have a measure of peace now that he's out of pain, and god just the relief that it is finally over. three years he fought like a champ to come out of this hale and whole. i used to kid him about his cancer....leiomeiosarcoma - a traditionally female cancer of the uterus, very seldom found in men....teased him that if he wanted to get in touch with his feminine side he could have just asked to borrow my lipstick.
And now he's gone. at least physically. the legacy he leaves behind will be eternal. the mark he left on the young recruits at the police academy, his fellow instructors, his colleagues in the state troopers and in the lives of those around him will be forever. he was what one thinks of when thinking of the true and loyal protector. All his life he tried to take care of people - even when he was a kid trying to take care of his siblings even if he didn't know what he was doing.
heeee, one time when i was feeling really really sick, vomiting and crying, god, i must have been 5 or 6? it was early morning so he went upstairs to get me something to drink....came back with orange juice to help me feel better. heee. he meant the best but oh dear that was the worst thing he could have done. poor kid.
and that was just the mommy animal with funeral arrangements. the long blue line it will be. 22 yrs on the force. oooof. okay, i need a break from this.
And now he's gone. at least physically. the legacy he leaves behind will be eternal. the mark he left on the young recruits at the police academy, his fellow instructors, his colleagues in the state troopers and in the lives of those around him will be forever. he was what one thinks of when thinking of the true and loyal protector. All his life he tried to take care of people - even when he was a kid trying to take care of his siblings even if he didn't know what he was doing.
heeee, one time when i was feeling really really sick, vomiting and crying, god, i must have been 5 or 6? it was early morning so he went upstairs to get me something to drink....came back with orange juice to help me feel better. heee. he meant the best but oh dear that was the worst thing he could have done. poor kid.
and that was just the mommy animal with funeral arrangements. the long blue line it will be. 22 yrs on the force. oooof. okay, i need a break from this.
Friday, December 7, 2007
RANT: "I have a job that has other functions to do"
no shit, really? so do i! that was what the useless office administrative assistant sent in an email to me this afternoon.
Admin assistants to the admin work, of the office, no? - hence the admin assistant title. Supplies, copying, printing, going through the mail, reciptionist duties, assembly of binders, conference room reservations, travel requests, et al. Her? Nope. She complains and bitches about how much better than this she is, how much work there is to do and what does she do? she sighs. ALLLLLL the fucking time. HEAVING DRAMATIC fucking sighs NON-STOP....specially if told to actually do her job.
Got a big huuuuuge training next week. Been denting my poor walls with my (now extraordinarily tender) forehead trying to translate official FEMA speak into english. this does get difficult as i am writing for gubmint personnel....this means it HAS to be detailed down to the point of "Click on File-Save to save document." And don't get me started on how to rename and save a document. they can't figure this shit out. and when it comes to entering information??? dear god, the directions SHOULD read:
- in the freaking table where is says to place a freaking "x" place a GODDAMN FUCKING X!
cause you know if i don't tell them that won't be able to complete the table. Sigh, not totally true but about 90% true.
So have been putting in full days and a couple of all-nighters, waste a morning waiting for boss who doesn't fucking show up cause it SNOWED!!! seriously people it snowed less than a FUCKING INCH at that point in the day(i.e. morning) and he can't drag his fucking ass in = wasted half a day on that shit.
Since then, Wednesday?, the boss developed a guilty conscience....specially once he realized that there has been no office support on the whole endeavor. So he tells his special lil' admin asst. she has to provide support in assembling the material...even over the weekend if it is required.....oooooh, them's fighting words for her....she needs to be at home terrorizing her children (god, don't get me started on that!!!)
so trying to be gracious, well honestly cause i soooooo don't want to have to put up with her this weekend...siiiigh, siiiiigh, HEAVING SIGH.....said there was no need, would assemble the minimum needed for monday and then do the rest during the week when not doing the training....makes sense, no? and by we, i mean ME cause i don't need to be listening to her being all passive aggressive about how much shit she has to do and how this is just tooooo much for her to do right now.
seriously i just don't need that. i know what i need to do, fine with doing it on my own - hell, i'll just blast ella and the duke on my computer, drink some bubbly and do what needs to be done. so in that frame of mind, sent her and the boss an email stating that there was no need for anyone to come in this weekend cept me to assemble only the binders needed for monday and finish up the rest during the week. and i get:
"I have a job with other functions to do. I can't waste any further time doing this."
sent only to me of course, not the boss....whom she fucking CCs on EVERYTHING.
i have a job with other functions to do. flabbergasted. she doesn't do ANY functions, hell she doesn't function as an admin assistant. and then that fucking tone...what? So snotty. Sooo "unlike YOU i have a job that is more important and all-encompassing than yours." Wha? huh?
let's just review this for a sec...... you're an admin assistant (and a bloody useless one at that) and hmmmm, my job? let me think about this, i develop program policy for an entire FUCKING department, function as departmental expert on the program responding to internal/external queries pertaining to the program, yada yad yada - yeah i am sooooo "important".....but gee, i guess that doesn't mean a damn thing to the admin assist. she has a job with "other functions to do" and mine is trivial.
Let's see what she does? hmmm, ummmm, let me think here....nothing? oh waaaait. she "covers" the bosss' ass...and i sooo don't even WANT to know all that entails cause what i DO know makes me queasy.....
"i have a job with other functions to do." yeah bitch, we all do.
god i could keep on going but i'd better stop. grrrrr. good thing i have pandora.com to listen to. thank god for them. they save me from going insanely bloodily ragingly postal.
not grinchy this time just still flabbergasted...." I have a job with other functions to do"
and god that was a particulary useless, pointless and depressing email. damn. gotta get better at this.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wilfull amesia
See, the Grinch made me completely forget what i wanted to write about in the first place which was??
well that and PBKs pre and post-ops. got nothing after that. how could i possibly???
tgo
well that and PBKs pre and post-ops. got nothing after that. how could i possibly???
tgo
The Grinch is back in Town.....
or An Old Fogey Reminisces about the Good Old Days
Yeah, yeah, yeah. PBK is just whining along there about pre and post-ops and mocking me for not posting. well, it's because Grinchy me has just made its' annual appearance. A little late this year actually thanks to my new trick to maintain a semblance of sanity this season....The Grinch is Back in Town to the tune of Mack the Knife - is the background music of my life in this gruesome holiday season.
Didn't used to be like this. Used to like the holiday season once upon a time when it started AFTER Thanksgiving. Ahhh, the good ol' days. Damn whippersnappers these days don't have a clue how it used to be. Walmart Christmas commercials in early November, CVS and Giant getting their freaking christmas/holiday decorations and gewgaws out even before halloween. o
ooops. going off on a rant there.
Was thinking about the old days actually and how it was really about the treats we got, and by treats i mean special foods. The bowl of mixed nuts just for christmas. god, brazil nuts were just awful to try and get open. almonds used to go flying across the room and we were never allowed to use the walnut pick unsupervised as the parental units were quite aware of what other devious purposes we might utilize it for. And the stockings!!! Best part of christmas really. fresh grapefruits and oranges and tangerines were such a luxury....ooooh and the red delicious apples!!! i mean we had apples all the time from the orchard but red delicious! those were special apples.
Well damn, i just got all nostalgic and happy about the season. See? I did use to like it. but now? oh god, now i just hate and despise the season. Now it's more along the lines of
Everyone MUST be happy!!!! Everyone MUST have FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN !!!!!! Everyone has JUST got to be JOLLY GODDAMMIT!!!!!!
Kinda like vegas actually. It positively reeks of desperation. Must have fun, must have a good time, must laugh laugh laugh laugh, must consume consume buy buy buy!!!! If you like someone than go out and buy them a really expensive gift just so they know! Hell, even if you don't like someone go get them a gift to celebrate the freaking spirit of the season.
Ahhh, let me sing my little song in my head and i'll be better......The grinch is back in town baby...
Hey the line forms, on the right dear
Now that the Grinch is back in town
Youd better lock your doors, and call the law
Because the Grinch is back in town
TGO (the grinchy one)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. PBK is just whining along there about pre and post-ops and mocking me for not posting. well, it's because Grinchy me has just made its' annual appearance. A little late this year actually thanks to my new trick to maintain a semblance of sanity this season....The Grinch is Back in Town to the tune of Mack the Knife - is the background music of my life in this gruesome holiday season.
Oh, the Grinch has pretty teeth dear
And she shows em, pearly white
Just a jack knife has the Grinch dear
And she keeps it way out of sight
Didn't used to be like this. Used to like the holiday season once upon a time when it started AFTER Thanksgiving.
ooops. going off on a rant there.
Was thinking about the old days actually and how it was really about the treats we got, and by treats i mean special foods. The bowl of mixed nuts just for christmas. god, brazil nuts were just awful to try and get open. almonds used to go flying across the room and we were never allowed to use the walnut pick unsupervised as the parental units were quite aware of what other devious purposes we might utilize it for. And the stockings!!! Best part of christmas really. fresh grapefruits and oranges and tangerines were such a luxury....ooooh and the red delicious apples!!! i mean we had apples all the time from the orchard but red delicious! those were special apples.
Well damn, i just got all nostalgic and happy about the season. See? I did use to like it. but now? oh god, now i just hate and despise the season. Now it's more along the lines of
Everyone MUST be happy!!!! Everyone MUST have FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN !!!!!! Everyone has JUST got to be JOLLY GODDAMMIT!!!!!!
Kinda like vegas actually. It positively reeks of desperation. Must have fun, must have a good time, must laugh laugh laugh laugh, must consume consume buy buy buy!!!! If you like someone than go out and buy them a really expensive gift just so they know! Hell, even if you don't like someone go get them a gift to celebrate the freaking spirit of the season.
Ahhh, let me sing my little song in my head and i'll be better......The grinch is back in town baby...
Hey the line forms, on the right dear
Now that the Grinch is back in town
Youd better lock your doors, and call the law
Because the Grinch is back in town
TGO (the grinchy one)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
pre op or post op?
so, where's the blog counterpart now? oh yeah, set it up....that's the easy part.
anyways, here's a first....for me at least. got bored and signed up with chemistry.com. ok, this is a bit too close to eharmony, that stupid dumbass company. every time I see the commercial, I just want to smack someone. so, chemistry "sends" you profiles they think you might find intersting. so, I am very curious how a transvestite ended up as one of my "potentials" that they send to me. so I emailed chemistry to ask: what was in my profile that made you people think I would be interested in dating a transvestite? I have nothing against trasvestites, but don't really want to have a "romantic" relationship with a transvestite either. haven't heard back from the chemistry people.
geez, it is me?! am I on crazy pills? just going to go out with random people on chemistry and at the end of coffee, dinner, whatever, going to ask them it they thought I was crazy, and what was the most annoying thing they found about me. what the hell, need some self evaluation.
ooo, just noticed that I can add video and pics. hee hee just wait.
anyways, here's a first....for me at least. got bored and signed up with chemistry.com. ok, this is a bit too close to eharmony, that stupid dumbass company. every time I see the commercial, I just want to smack someone. so, chemistry "sends" you profiles they think you might find intersting. so, I am very curious how a transvestite ended up as one of my "potentials" that they send to me. so I emailed chemistry to ask: what was in my profile that made you people think I would be interested in dating a transvestite? I have nothing against trasvestites, but don't really want to have a "romantic" relationship with a transvestite either. haven't heard back from the chemistry people.
geez, it is me?! am I on crazy pills? just going to go out with random people on chemistry and at the end of coffee, dinner, whatever, going to ask them it they thought I was crazy, and what was the most annoying thing they found about me. what the hell, need some self evaluation.
ooo, just noticed that I can add video and pics. hee hee just wait.
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