Relief?

So my brother died this morning and i feel relief. relief it was finally over, relief it didn't happen last week when i was slammed at work giving training 4 out of 5 days, relieved that i no longer had to fear phone calls from my parents for what they might entail, relief that my parents no longer have to watch and wonder what more they could have done, relief that his wonderful wonderful wife Beth can have a measure of peace now that he's out of pain, and god just the relief that it is finally over. three years he fought like a champ to come out of this hale and whole. i used to kid him about his cancer....leiomeiosarcoma - a traditionally female cancer of the uterus, very seldom found in men....teased him that if he wanted to get in touch with his feminine side he could have just asked to borrow my lipstick.

And now he's gone. at least physically. the legacy he leaves behind will be eternal. the mark he left on the young recruits at the police academy, his fellow instructors, his colleagues in the state troopers and in the lives of those around him will be forever. he was what one thinks of when thinking of the true and loyal protector. All his life he tried to take care of people - even when he was a kid trying to take care of his siblings even if he didn't know what he was doing.

heeee, one time when i was feeling really really sick, vomiting and crying, god, i must have been 5 or 6? it was early morning so he went upstairs to get me something to drink....came back with orange juice to help me feel better. heee. he meant the best but oh dear that was the worst thing he could have done. poor kid.

and that was just the mommy animal with funeral arrangements. the long blue line it will be. 22 yrs on the force. oooof. okay, i need a break from this.